Out Of The Trash Bin

by Jack Cleary

Josh hung up the phone as he swung his feet down to the floor.The clock read 4:15 am.Kathy rolled over.

“It’s early”, she said, “What’s going on?”

“Some kind of alert. Gotta go keep the world safe for democracy.”

***

A twelve year-old boy stepped up to the table. Josh reached into the carry on and pulled out a bottle of cola.

“Sorry, I have to confiscate this”. He tossed it into the trash bin.

The boy looked down at his roll of Mentos and sighed.

A fourteen year-old boy stepped up to the table. Josh reached into the carry on and pulled out a Listerine bottle.

“Sorry, I have to confiscate this”. He tossed it into the trash bin.

The boy was horrified. The Listerine bottle contained 24 ounces of his father’s best scotch. His class trip had just gotten much less interesting.

A thirty-seven year-old woman stepped up to the table. Josh reached into the carry on and pulled out a tube of KY jelly.

“Sorry, I have to confiscate this”. He tossed it into the trash bin.

The woman sighed.Her flight, and the flights of at least two unchosen (and now, never to be chosen) fellow passengers, had just gotten much less interesting. However, restroom availability had just significantly increased for all other passengers.

A twenty-two year-old woman stepped up to the table. Josh reached into the carry on and pulled out a tube of spermicide .

“Sorry, I have to confiscate this”. He tossed it into the trash bin.

The woman never noticed. She was too busy playing grab-ass with man standing next to her. Nine months later…

A forty-three year-old industrial spy stepped up to the table. Josh reached into the carry on and pulled out a cough syrup bottle..

“Sorry, I have to confiscate this”. He tossed it into the trash bin.

The spy sighed. The bottle contained the secret ingredient in the formula for Coca-Cola. Well, he thought, look’s like another meeting in Atlanta before I can go home to Bangalore.

A fifty-one year-old engineer stepped up to the table. Josh reached into the carry on and pulled out a bottle of sunscreen.

“Sorry, I have to confiscate this”. He tossed it into the trash bin.

Later that day, while standing on the construction site of the next 3000 room hotel/casino in Las Vegas (Amazon theme), the engineer would receive the dose of UV radiation that would eventually lead to skin lesions and, ultimately, the partial amputation of her nose.

A twenty-four year-old graduate student stepped up to the table. Josh reached into the carry on and pulled out a box of twelve yellow peeps.

“What are these for?”, Josh asked.

“They’re for science.”, the student replied, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. “I’m experimenting with the reaction of certain hydrocarbon substances to various levels of exposure to microwaves.”

Josh placed the peeps back into the carry-on.

A twenty-seven year-old screenwriter stepped up to the table. Josh reached into the carry on and pulled out a bottle containing an anti-psychotic medication.

“Sorry, I have to confiscate this”. He tossed it into the trash bin.

Seven hours later, over the Pacific Ocean, the screenwriter would notice that his fellow passengers had begun to morph in a strangely Voldemortian way.

“SNAKES ON THE PLANE!” he would scream, “SNAKES ON THE PLANE!”

A seven year-old boy stepped up to the table. Josh reached into the carry on and pulled out a mayonnaise jar.

“Sorry, I have to confiscate this”. He tossed it into the trash bin.

He did not notice the holes punched in the top.

I hope my frog will be alright, thought the boy.

That night, at the bottom of a dumpster, the frog would lay her eggs in a soup of soda, coffee, juice, bottled water, scotch, gin, beer, spermicide, contact lens solution, toothpaste, heroin, breast milk, peroxide, blood, urine, and anti-psychotic medication. Two weeks later a parade of small amphibians would leave the dumpster for the wetlands adjoining the airport. Upon closer inspection, it would be observed that the amphibians were not of uniform pigmentation, and would have various numbers of eyes, legs and toes. Less observable were the variations in number of vertebrae, number and size of internal organs, and brain structure. Some of the amphibians would die under the wheels of a taxiing 737. Most of the rest would, within a few days, become contributors to the food chain. One would bob contentedly in a pool among the cattails and marsh grass, snagging prey with what he thought of as his tongue.

The following summer local residents would be pleasantly surprised by the dearth of flying insects. The next summer would see a dramatic decline in the local bird population. The next, a series of unexplained small plane accidents.

Meanwhile, an urban legend would arise of an alligator in the wetlands, one that was particularly broad, with wide-set eyes and a short snout. Poor quality photos would appear in supermarket tabloids. As with most legends, with each passing year this one would grow larger and more fantastic.

***

Josh walked into the kitchen.

“How was your day?”, Kathy asked, “Did you keep the country safe for democracy?”

Josh smiled as he opened a beer. “Mission accomplished.”, he said.

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